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Man Either Sick Or Just At End Of Workday

CINCINNATI—Overwhelmed by a wave of fatigue, local man Will Markowski told reporters Tuesday that he was uncertain whether he was getting sick or if it was just the end of a normal workday.

A Timeline Of Abraham Lincoln’s Life

Every February, people across the the nation celebrate the legacy of Abraham Lincoln, widely considered to be one of America’s finest presidents. The Onion provides a timeline of the key moments in President Lincoln’s life:

Most Valuable Sports Memorabilia

Sports collectibles have skyrocketed in popularity over the past several decades, with sales of such items as game-worn jerseys and autographed rookie cards generating billions of dollars each year. Onion Sports examines the most sought-after and highly valued sports memorabilia in the world.

Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy

WASHINGTON—Noting that there was something distinctly unnerving about his mannerisms, physical appearance, and overall demeanor, the nation confirmed Friday that it was leery of very odd 8-year-old Brendan Nault.
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Suicide Rate Jumps In White Middle-Aged Population

Between 1999 and 2005, the number of suicides among white middle-aged Americans increased 17 percent. What do you think?
  • "But they have so many nice, if slightly boring, things to live for."

    Carl Craig Systems Analyst
  • "Suicide when you're middle-aged is the coward's way out. Better to wait until you're over 70. Or, if you're still young, late teens is a good time, too."

    Ursula Zalben Mail Carrier
  • "Luckily for me, when I'm depressed I masturbate."

    Ken Newbrogh Bartender
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