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Fermilab Receives Generous Anonymous Particle Donation

BATAVIA, IL—Calling it the most substantial private donation the research facility has received in years, officials at the Fermi National Accelerator Laboratory announced Monday that an anonymous benefactor had given them a generous particle donation.

God Excited About First Trip To Japan

THE HEAVENS—After years of talking about visiting the East Asian country, God, Our Lord and Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was excited to finally be taking His first trip to Japan.
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Suicide Rate Up Sharply Among Middle-Aged

According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, the suicide rate among Americans between the ages of 35 and 64 increased by 28 percent between 1999 and 2010. What do you think?

  • “They’re just going through a phase. Let it pass.”

    Alexandra Bozian Wax Molder
  • “Speaking for myself, I’d say the suicide rate has stayed about the same.”

    Roderick Callesen Furnace Installer
  • “Doesn’t anyone cry for help anymore?”

    Bodie Del Boccio Street Light Wirer

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