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Fermilab Receives Generous Anonymous Particle Donation

BATAVIA, IL—Calling it the most substantial private donation the research facility has received in years, officials at the Fermi National Accelerator Laboratory announced Monday that an anonymous benefactor had given them a generous particle donation.

God Excited About First Trip To Japan

THE HEAVENS—After years of talking about visiting the East Asian country, God, Our Lord and Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was excited to finally be taking His first trip to Japan.
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Sun Chips Abandons Biodegradable Bag

After numerous complaints that the new biodegradable Sun Chips bag was "too noisy," Frito Lay announced that it was returning to the original packaging. What do you think?

  • "Maybe they wouldn't have encountered so much resistance if they hadn't tried to position the product as a funeral snack."

    Dave Fox Systems Analyst
  • "I tried to sneak a bag into a movie theater and security tackled me as soon as I got out of my car."

    Elisa Gittins Convention Organizer
  • "Are you kidding me? I crafted my entire freshman year persona around being the 'Sun Chip Asshole.'"

    Paul Kenemore Student

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