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Red Roof Inn Announces New Suicidal Suite

In an effort to cater to customers who have lost the will to live, economy hotel chain Red Roof Inn officially unveiled Thursday its new Suicidal Suite available at each of their locations across the nation.

Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

How Movies Receive Their Ratings

Many Americans use the MPAA’s formalized rating system as a guide for which films to see. The Onion provides a step-by-step view into how these ratings are chosen:
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Super Bowl XLIV Most-Watched Show Ever

With 106.5 million people tuning in, Sunday's Saints-Colts Super Bowl became the most-watched program in U.S. history, drawing 500,000 more viewers than the 1983 series finale of M*A*S*H. What do you think?
  • "Not only that, but the weight of the average viewer has increased by about 42 pounds since then."

    Claire Belew Brass Plater
  • "I tuned in mainly for the Tim Tebow ad. I'm still on the fence about whether he should have been aborted. I'll know better once he's drafted into the NFL and plays four or more seasons as a starter."

    Sascha Clamp Systems Analyst
  • "To keep its ratings high, maybe CBS just needs to play hit songs from the Who during most of its TV shows. Oh, wait."

    Pete Weymouth Frame Nailer
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Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

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