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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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'Supermoon' Biggest Of 2012

Saturday's full moon reached perigee, the closest the satellite gets to Earth in its orbit, making it appear fuller and brighter than at any other time this year. What do you think?

  • "Alas! Just when I desire a night as black as death, the dastardly moon illumines my way and lays bare my plan to thieve my neighbor’s pool float."

    Renée Lafleur Hydraulic Repairer
  • "Then there's little time! Prep the cannon!"

    Frank Bryant Systems Analyst
  • "Quit stalling, mack. How many of these 'I've Got Moon Fever' shirts do you want?"

    Sam Cristo T-Shirt Vendor

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