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Breaking: ACLU Hard As A Fucking Rock Right Now

NEW YORK—In response to President Trump’s declaration that transgendered Americans would no longer be permitted to serve in the military, the ACLU announced Wednesday that it was hard as a fucking rock right now.

Voter Fraud: Myth Vs. Fact

Concerns over fraudulent voting have grown since the 2016 election, with President Trump himself claiming that millions of people voted illegally. The Onion debunks some common myths about voter fraud.

Fermilab Receives Generous Anonymous Particle Donation

BATAVIA, IL—Calling it the most substantial private donation the research facility has received in years, officials at the Fermi National Accelerator Laboratory announced Monday that an anonymous benefactor had given them a generous particle donation.
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Superstorm Sandy Kills 38

Though downgraded to a post-tropical cyclone, Sandy has left 38 U.S. residents dead, cut electricity to 8.2 million, flooded large swaths of the Eastern Seaboard, and prompted President Obama to declare a “major disaster” in New York and New Jersey. What do you think?

  • “Fortunately, I’ve had uninterrupted access to all the usual social media platforms I complain on.”

    Sophie Bickford Unemployed
  • “Good thing Obama ordered that mass shipment of federal towels so we can finally start drying everything off.”

    Stephen Shamberg Lumber Tallier
  • “Is this something we’re going to have to never forget? Because my memory is close to full on those things.”

    Roger Comfort Caddie

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