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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Superstorm Sandy Kills 38

Though downgraded to a post-tropical cyclone, Sandy has left 38 U.S. residents dead, cut electricity to 8.2 million, flooded large swaths of the Eastern Seaboard, and prompted President Obama to declare a “major disaster” in New York and New Jersey. What do you think?

  • “Fortunately, I’ve had uninterrupted access to all the usual social media platforms I complain on.”

    Sophie Bickford Unemployed
  • “Good thing Obama ordered that mass shipment of federal towels so we can finally start drying everything off.”

    Stephen Shamberg Lumber Tallier
  • “Is this something we’re going to have to never forget? Because my memory is close to full on those things.”

    Roger Comfort Caddie

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