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Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.

Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.

Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.
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Superstorm Sandy Kills 38

Though downgraded to a post-tropical cyclone, Sandy has left 38 U.S. residents dead, cut electricity to 8.2 million, flooded large swaths of the Eastern Seaboard, and prompted President Obama to declare a “major disaster” in New York and New Jersey. What do you think?

  • “Fortunately, I’ve had uninterrupted access to all the usual social media platforms I complain on.”

    Sophie Bickford Unemployed
  • “Good thing Obama ordered that mass shipment of federal towels so we can finally start drying everything off.”

    Stephen Shamberg Lumber Tallier
  • “Is this something we’re going to have to never forget? Because my memory is close to full on those things.”

    Roger Comfort Caddie
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Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.

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