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Man Either Sick Or Just At End Of Workday

CINCINNATI—Overwhelmed by a wave of fatigue, local man Will Markowski told reporters Tuesday that he was uncertain whether he was getting sick or if it was just the end of a normal workday.

A Timeline Of Abraham Lincoln’s Life

Every February, people across the the nation celebrate the legacy of Abraham Lincoln, widely considered to be one of America’s finest presidents. The Onion provides a timeline of the key moments in President Lincoln’s life:

Most Valuable Sports Memorabilia

Sports collectibles have skyrocketed in popularity over the past several decades, with sales of such items as game-worn jerseys and autographed rookie cards generating billions of dollars each year. Onion Sports examines the most sought-after and highly valued sports memorabilia in the world.

Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy

WASHINGTON—Noting that there was something distinctly unnerving about his mannerisms, physical appearance, and overall demeanor, the nation confirmed Friday that it was leery of very odd 8-year-old Brendan Nault.
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Supply Of College Graduates Outstripped By Workforce Demand

Though the number of people graduating from college in the United States every year is increasing, it is still not enough to keep pace with employer demand. What do you think?

  • "It's not going to be easy to raise college graduation rates, but I know our nation has what it takes to systematically and drastically lower academic standards to achieve this goal."

    Ashley Pope Audit Clerk
  • "That's right. If there's one thing we can all agree is wrong with our country right now, it's all the vacant jobs."

    Brent Gorman Systems Analyst
  • "Oh, no. So you're saying the future is going to have even more stuffy little shit coworkers who won't shut up about their semesters in Peru?"

    Louis McGahan Bran Mixer
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