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Man Either Sick Or Just At End Of Workday

CINCINNATI—Overwhelmed by a wave of fatigue, local man Will Markowski told reporters Tuesday that he was uncertain whether he was getting sick or if it was just the end of a normal workday.

A Timeline Of Abraham Lincoln’s Life

Every February, people across the the nation celebrate the legacy of Abraham Lincoln, widely considered to be one of America’s finest presidents. The Onion provides a timeline of the key moments in President Lincoln’s life:

Most Valuable Sports Memorabilia

Sports collectibles have skyrocketed in popularity over the past several decades, with sales of such items as game-worn jerseys and autographed rookie cards generating billions of dollars each year. Onion Sports examines the most sought-after and highly valued sports memorabilia in the world.

Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy

WASHINGTON—Noting that there was something distinctly unnerving about his mannerisms, physical appearance, and overall demeanor, the nation confirmed Friday that it was leery of very odd 8-year-old Brendan Nault.
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Supreme Court Blocks Arizona Voter ID Law

The Supreme Court struck down a controversial Arizona law yesterday that required residents to provide proof of U.S. citizenship in order to register to vote, noting that the rule had kept thousands of citizens off voter rolls because they lacked passports or drivers licenses. What do you think?

  • “Why on earth would Arizona enact a law like that? Don’t they want everyone to vote?”

    Seth Folsey Unemployed
  • “But providing proof of citizenship was what set me apart. That was my whole thing.”

    Rhonda Klopper Key Cutter
  • “I don’t care if you’re a citizen or not. If you can’t drive, you shouldn’t be allowed to vote.”

    Josh Ruscio Airplane Coverer
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