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Keys To The Matchup: Packers vs. Falcons

The NFC Championship Game pits the Atlanta Falcons against the Green Bay Packers for the rare chance to play a meaningful game in Houston. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.
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Supreme Court Hears Affirmative Action Case

The U.S. Supreme Court heard oral arguments yesterday in Fisher v. The University of Texas, a case in which 22-year-old Abigail Fisher claimed she had been unfairly denied admission to the school because she was white. What do you think?

  • “This is a terrible policy. Because of it, campuses across the country are missing out on the rich and vibrant culture that whites bring.”

    Lloyd Allman Unemployed
  • “This generation is never going to learn anything about real hardship if it’s allowed to just take all its problems to the Supreme Court.”

    Maurice Fazakas Baking Powder Mixer
  • “I’m glad white people have finally been able to use the courts to their advantage.”

    Janice Krzanowski Machine Desulfurizer

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