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Keys To The Matchup: Packers vs. Falcons

The NFC Championship Game pits the Atlanta Falcons against the Green Bay Packers for the rare chance to play a meaningful game in Houston. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.
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Supreme Court Hears Landmark Gay Marriage Cases

The Supreme Court will hear arguments today challenging the constitutionality of California’s gay marriage ban, while tomorrow’s hearings will focus on benefits denied to same-sex couples by the federal Defense of Marriage Act. What do you think?

  • “I’m just glad I don’t have a gay son or daughter, otherwise I might have to put some actual thought into my position.”

    Howard Bach Keg Varnisher
  • “Defense of Marriage Act? Oh, that sounds nice. I hope they vote for that.”

    Dan Steenhagen Fire Inspector
  • “I just can’t get excited for this case after the roller coaster ride that was FTC v. Phoebe Putney Health System, Inc.

    Pamela Kelson Zipper Trimmer

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