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How Amazon Plans To Expand

After years of rapid growth and expansion into new industries, Amazon recently announced that it would be opening a second headquarters outside of Seattle. Here are Amazon’s plans for continued growth.

Report: Americans Now Get 44% Of Their Exercise From Licking

WASHINGTON—Saying the practice accounted for a sizable portion of the nation’s physical activity on any given day, a new report published Tuesday by researchers at the National Institutes of Health revealed that Americans currently get 44 percent of their exercise from licking things.

‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.

FDA Rents Party House Upstate To Test New Drug

TOBYHANNA, PA—With preclinical studies of an in-development cholesterol-reducing medication now complete, Food and Drug Administration officials confirmed Monday they would be conducting initial trials of the new drug at a large party house they had rented in upstate Pennsylvania.

Refs Let 49ers Put As Many Men On Field As They Want

SEATTLE—Sighing into the microphone as he stood at the 50-yard line of Centurylink Field, NFL referee Gene Steratore ruled during Sunday’s game that the San Francisco 49ers could put as many men on the field as they want.
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Supreme Court Hinders Consumer Rights To Sue

The U.S. Supreme Court ruled last week that companies could force dissatisfied customers into individual arbitration and prevent them from banding together in a class-action lawsuit. What do you think?

  • "Arbitration! Now there's my golden ticket to minor gains."

    Lydia Kivacevic Bath Mix Operator
  • "Call me old-fashioned, but I still like to deal with my issues with companies by reaming out one of their lowest-level employees who had absolutely nothing to do with the problem and possesses no ability to resolve the matter whatsoever."

    Rory Parsons Systems Analyst
  • "Mmm…Supreme Court. Ugh. Great! Now I'm aroused."

    Morgan Ball Facility Examiner

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