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Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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Supreme Court Hinders Consumer Rights To Sue

The U.S. Supreme Court ruled last week that companies could force dissatisfied customers into individual arbitration and prevent them from banding together in a class-action lawsuit. What do you think?

  • "Arbitration! Now there's my golden ticket to minor gains."

    Lydia Kivacevic Bath Mix Operator
  • "Call me old-fashioned, but I still like to deal with my issues with companies by reaming out one of their lowest-level employees who had absolutely nothing to do with the problem and possesses no ability to resolve the matter whatsoever."

    Rory Parsons Systems Analyst
  • "Mmm…Supreme Court. Ugh. Great! Now I'm aroused."

    Morgan Ball Facility Examiner

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