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How Amazon Plans To Expand

After years of rapid growth and expansion into new industries, Amazon recently announced that it would be opening a second headquarters outside of Seattle. Here are Amazon’s plans for continued growth.

Report: Americans Now Get 44% Of Their Exercise From Licking

WASHINGTON—Saying the practice accounted for a sizable portion of the nation’s physical activity on any given day, a new report published Tuesday by researchers at the National Institutes of Health revealed that Americans currently get 44 percent of their exercise from licking things.

‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.

FDA Rents Party House Upstate To Test New Drug

TOBYHANNA, PA—With preclinical studies of an in-development cholesterol-reducing medication now complete, Food and Drug Administration officials confirmed Monday they would be conducting initial trials of the new drug at a large party house they had rented in upstate Pennsylvania.
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Supreme Court Justice Robbed At Knifepoint

While vacationing in the Caribbean, Supreme Court Justice Stephen Breyer and his family were robbed of $1,000 by an intruder wielding a machete. What do you think?

  • "What was Justice Alito doing in the Caribbean with a machete?"

    Danielle Rogerson Systems Analyst
  • "As a mugging victim, I can sympathize, because it happened to me—except for the part about walking around with $1,000 in the tropics. Come to think of it, the bastard had it coming."

    Tyrone Poland Waiter
  • "That's why I always rob nobodies. Give me all your money."

    Dan Lehrer Thief

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How Amazon Plans To Expand

After years of rapid growth and expansion into new industries, Amazon recently announced that it would be opening a second headquarters outside of Seattle. Here are Amazon’s plans for continued growth.

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