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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Supreme Court: Police Can Take DNA During Arrests

The Supreme Court ruled 5-4 that police can swab a suspect for DNA during an arrest—though prior to any trial or potential conviction—in cases of a “serious offense,” with Justice Antonin Scalia joining three liberal justices in dissent. What do you think?

  • “I should get arrested with my son to see if he’s really mine.”

    Tad Pollard Pottery Worker
  • “Wait, only ‘serious offenses’? Then why did that meter maid run her finger along the inside of my mouth?”

    Alexander Mitchum Veneer Gluer
  • “Looks like Scalia is just another traitor. By my count, that’s nine traitors on the Supreme Court.”

    Rebecca Kane Unemployed

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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

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