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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Supreme Court: Police Need Warrant To Search Cell Phones

In a landmark victory for digital privacy rights, the Supreme Court ruled unanimously Wednesday that police need to get a warrant before searching the cell phone of a person they’ve arrested. What do you think?

  • “It’s always so exciting when a ruling is unanimous!”

    Aimee Fletcher Hair Piece Fitter
  • “This sends a clear signal to the authorities that if you spend decades systematically eroding our civil liberties, eventually the Supreme Court will step in and defend them in a very limited and largely symbolic way.”

    Clint Bernard Campground Maintenance Worker
  • “That’s right. If police want to browse through my cell phone pictures they can go to DougsBirdPhotos.tumblr.com like everyone else.”

    Jeff Brooks-Volkmann Bake Sale Organizer

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