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Keys To The Matchup: Packers vs. Falcons

The NFC Championship Game pits the Atlanta Falcons against the Green Bay Packers for the rare chance to play a meaningful game in Houston. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.
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Supreme Court: Police Need Warrant To Search Cell Phones

In a landmark victory for digital privacy rights, the Supreme Court ruled unanimously Wednesday that police need to get a warrant before searching the cell phone of a person they’ve arrested. What do you think?

  • “It’s always so exciting when a ruling is unanimous!”

    Aimee Fletcher Hair Piece Fitter
  • “This sends a clear signal to the authorities that if you spend decades systematically eroding our civil liberties, eventually the Supreme Court will step in and defend them in a very limited and largely symbolic way.”

    Clint Bernard Campground Maintenance Worker
  • “That’s right. If police want to browse through my cell phone pictures they can go to DougsBirdPhotos.tumblr.com like everyone else.”

    Jeff Brooks-Volkmann Bake Sale Organizer

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