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Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.

Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.

Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.
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Supreme Court: Public Meetings Can Have Opening Prayer

The Supreme Court voted Monday to allow public meetings at all levels of government to begin with an opening prayer, a decision many have criticized as violating the First Amendment clause forbidding the government from favoring certain religions or favoring believers over non-believers. What do you think?

  • “Okay, but only Christian prayer. No need to go overboard.”

    Casey Helms Phone Line Inspector
  • “That’s fine. I’m sure beginning public meetings with a reminder that all who do not accept the blood of Christ are consigned to eternal damnation will not have a chilling effect on anyone who doesn’t share those beliefs.”

    Jennifer Keeling Private Investigator
  • “Whatever it takes to pack in those crowds.”

    Bill Waterstone Cutlery Sharpener
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