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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Supreme Court Repeals Defense Of Marriage Act

The Supreme Court struck down the Defense of Marriage Act by a vote of 5-4 today, with moderate justice Anthony Kennedy writing the majority opinion, stating that the law deprived citizens of “equal liberty” under the Fifth Amendment. What do you think?

  • “I wish I didn’t have to move to the right side of history so soon.”

    Winnie Frankland Hydrostatic Tester
  • “I’m moving to Canada. But this was a nice bit of news before I start my new job up there.”

    Charlie Logan Systems Analyst
  • “There goes the room they have at the bowling alley for wedding receptions.”

    Dwayne Brickert Zipper Repairer

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