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Keys To The Matchup: Packers vs. Falcons

The NFC Championship Game pits the Atlanta Falcons against the Green Bay Packers for the rare chance to play a meaningful game in Houston. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.
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Supreme Court Repeals Defense Of Marriage Act

The Supreme Court struck down the Defense of Marriage Act by a vote of 5-4 today, with moderate justice Anthony Kennedy writing the majority opinion, stating that the law deprived citizens of “equal liberty” under the Fifth Amendment. What do you think?

  • “I wish I didn’t have to move to the right side of history so soon.”

    Winnie Frankland Hydrostatic Tester
  • “I’m moving to Canada. But this was a nice bit of news before I start my new job up there.”

    Charlie Logan Systems Analyst
  • “There goes the room they have at the bowling alley for wedding receptions.”

    Dwayne Brickert Zipper Repairer

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