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Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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Survey: Rich People More Likely To Disapprove Of ‘Participation Trophies’

According to data gathered by libertarian magazine Reason, wealthy people are much more likely than poorer people to disapprove of “participation trophies” for kids, or awards given out to all children regardless of whether they are winners or losers. What do you think?

  • “If kids get trophies just for participating, how are they ever going to learn that the world is a perfect meritocracy?”

    Dan Waggoner Large Animal Dentist
  • “Participation trophies undermine the whole point of sports, which is teaching kids that their value is dependent on kicking a ball really far.”

    Vicki Altamose Concession Stand Leader
  • “I’m fine with participation trophies, as long as they are unmistakably shittier than the real ones.”

    Kevin Blankenship Systems Analyst

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