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Fermilab Receives Generous Anonymous Particle Donation

BATAVIA, IL—Calling it the most substantial private donation the research facility has received in years, officials at the Fermi National Accelerator Laboratory announced Monday that an anonymous benefactor had given them a generous particle donation.

God Excited About First Trip To Japan

THE HEAVENS—After years of talking about visiting the East Asian country, God, Our Lord and Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was excited to finally be taking His first trip to Japan.
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Survey: Rich People More Likely To Disapprove Of ‘Participation Trophies’

According to data gathered by libertarian magazine Reason, wealthy people are much more likely than poorer people to disapprove of “participation trophies” for kids, or awards given out to all children regardless of whether they are winners or losers. What do you think?

  • “If kids get trophies just for participating, how are they ever going to learn that the world is a perfect meritocracy?”

    Dan Waggoner Large Animal Dentist
  • “Participation trophies undermine the whole point of sports, which is teaching kids that their value is dependent on kicking a ball really far.”

    Vicki Altamose Concession Stand Leader
  • “I’m fine with participation trophies, as long as they are unmistakably shittier than the real ones.”

    Kevin Blankenship Systems Analyst

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