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Man Either Sick Or Just At End Of Workday

CINCINNATI—Overwhelmed by a wave of fatigue, local man Will Markowski told reporters Tuesday that he was uncertain whether he was getting sick or if it was just the end of a normal workday.

A Timeline Of Abraham Lincoln’s Life

Every February, people across the the nation celebrate the legacy of Abraham Lincoln, widely considered to be one of America’s finest presidents. The Onion provides a timeline of the key moments in President Lincoln’s life:

Most Valuable Sports Memorabilia

Sports collectibles have skyrocketed in popularity over the past several decades, with sales of such items as game-worn jerseys and autographed rookie cards generating billions of dollars each year. Onion Sports examines the most sought-after and highly valued sports memorabilia in the world.

Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy

WASHINGTON—Noting that there was something distinctly unnerving about his mannerisms, physical appearance, and overall demeanor, the nation confirmed Friday that it was leery of very odd 8-year-old Brendan Nault.
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Sweepstakes Under Fire

Attorneys General from 11 states met in Indianapolis last week to discuss ways to crack down on mail-in sweepstakes like Publishers Clearing House, which they claim use deceptive mailings to trick people into buying products to help their chances of winning. What do you think about sweepstakes fraud?
  • "The publishers have to find some way to clear their houses. If not sweepstakes, how?"

    Linda Kendall Piano Teacher
  • "Hopefully, this will end with Ed McMahon leading police on a spectacular high-speed chase in the Prize Patrol van."

    Ronald D'Acquisto Systems Analyst
  • "So far, I've spent $47,840 on Jack & Jill subscriptions, and still no gigantic novelty check."

    Roy Almon Cashier
  • "I always watch the Super Bowl naked just in case I'm the live-TV grand-prize winner. Here's my dick, America."

    Kenneth Winfield Delivery Driver
  • "The public is being preyed upon by unscrupulous con artists. Save us, Stone Phillips!"

    Denise Briggs Speech Therapist
  • "The public should be protected from blatantly false claims they are stupid enough to believe."

    Richard Dade Attorney
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