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Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.

Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.

Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.
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Sweepstakes Under Fire

Attorneys General from 11 states met in Indianapolis last week to discuss ways to crack down on mail-in sweepstakes like Publishers Clearing House, which they claim use deceptive mailings to trick people into buying products to help their chances of winning. What do you think about sweepstakes fraud?
  • "The publishers have to find some way to clear their houses. If not sweepstakes, how?"

    Linda Kendall Piano Teacher
  • "Hopefully, this will end with Ed McMahon leading police on a spectacular high-speed chase in the Prize Patrol van."

    Ronald D'Acquisto Systems Analyst
  • "So far, I've spent $47,840 on Jack & Jill subscriptions, and still no gigantic novelty check."

    Roy Almon Cashier
  • "I always watch the Super Bowl naked just in case I'm the live-TV grand-prize winner. Here's my dick, America."

    Kenneth Winfield Delivery Driver
  • "The public is being preyed upon by unscrupulous con artists. Save us, Stone Phillips!"

    Denise Briggs Speech Therapist
  • "The public should be protected from blatantly false claims they are stupid enough to believe."

    Richard Dade Attorney
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