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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Sweepstakes Under Fire

Attorneys General from 11 states met in Indianapolis last week to discuss ways to crack down on mail-in sweepstakes like Publishers Clearing House, which they claim use deceptive mailings to trick people into buying products to help their chances of winning. What do you think about sweepstakes fraud?
  • "The publishers have to find some way to clear their houses. If not sweepstakes, how?"

    Linda Kendall Piano Teacher
  • "Hopefully, this will end with Ed McMahon leading police on a spectacular high-speed chase in the Prize Patrol van."

    Ronald D'Acquisto Systems Analyst
  • "So far, I've spent $47,840 on Jack & Jill subscriptions, and still no gigantic novelty check."

    Roy Almon Cashier
  • "I always watch the Super Bowl naked just in case I'm the live-TV grand-prize winner. Here's my dick, America."

    Kenneth Winfield Delivery Driver
  • "The public is being preyed upon by unscrupulous con artists. Save us, Stone Phillips!"

    Denise Briggs Speech Therapist
  • "The public should be protected from blatantly false claims they are stupid enough to believe."

    Richard Dade Attorney

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