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Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

John Kerry Throws Vine Over Pit Of Quicksand To Save Child Companion

PANGSAU, MYANMAR—Thinking quickly to thwart disaster as he ventured deep into the Myanmar rainforest to meet with State Councilor Aung San Suu Kyi, Secretary of State John Kerry threw a vine over a pit of quicksand to save the life of his 12-year-old Moroccan companion, Drumstick, sources confirmed Monday.

Report: This Movie Old Enough That They Might Have Actually Hurt Dog

GARDNER, MA—Realizing the movie was probably made years before any sort of mandatory industry oversight, nervous viewers watching a Turner Classic Movies airing of ‘Home On The Range’ Sunday night told reporters that the classic western was old enough that the filmmakers might have actually hurt the dog that starred in the motion picture.

Best Sports Video Games Of All Time

With titles such as ‘FIFA 17’ and ’NBA 2K17’ expected to be popular gifts this holiday season, Onion Sports looks back on some of the best sports video games of all time.

Can Trump Follow Through On His Campaign Promises?

President-elect Donald Trump made a variety of lofty promises during his campaign as part of a pledge to “make America great again.” The Onion looks at several of these promises and evaluates whether Trump will be willing or able to follow through on them.
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Sweepstakes Under Fire

Attorneys General from 11 states met in Indianapolis last week to discuss ways to crack down on mail-in sweepstakes like Publishers Clearing House, which they claim use deceptive mailings to trick people into buying products to help their chances of winning. What do you think about sweepstakes fraud?
  • "The publishers have to find some way to clear their houses. If not sweepstakes, how?"

    Linda Kendall Piano Teacher
  • "Hopefully, this will end with Ed McMahon leading police on a spectacular high-speed chase in the Prize Patrol van."

    Ronald D'Acquisto Systems Analyst
  • "So far, I've spent $47,840 on Jack & Jill subscriptions, and still no gigantic novelty check."

    Roy Almon Cashier
  • "I always watch the Super Bowl naked just in case I'm the live-TV grand-prize winner. Here's my dick, America."

    Kenneth Winfield Delivery Driver
  • "The public is being preyed upon by unscrupulous con artists. Save us, Stone Phillips!"

    Denise Briggs Speech Therapist
  • "The public should be protected from blatantly false claims they are stupid enough to believe."

    Richard Dade Attorney

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