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Sweepstakes Under Fire

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Cannon Overshoots Tim Kaine Across Wells Fargo Center

PHILADELPHIA—Noting that the vice presidential nominee had been launched nearly 100 feet into the air during his entrance into the Democratic National Convention Wednesday night, sources reported that the cannon at the back of the Wells Fargo Center had accidentally overshot Tim Kaine across the arena, sending him crashing to the stage several dozen feet beyond the erected safety net.

Wow, Dad Really Went From Zero To 60 With Woodworking This Summer

PAGE, AZ—Expressing their astonishment as they once again heard the sound of their father using his circular saw in the garage despite his seemingly complete lack of interest in the craft prior to last month, the children of area man Sam Morgan, 52, confirmed Tuesday that, wow, their dad had really gone from zero to 60 with woodworking this summer.

Who Is Tim Kaine?

Virginia senator Tim Kaine will be Hillary Clinton’s running mate on the Democratic Party ticket in the 2016 presidential election. Here’s what you need to know about Kaine

Lone Superdelegate Voting For Martin O’Malley Feels Like Total Fucking Idiot

PHILADELPHIA—Sheepishly raising his hand to nominate the man who suspended his presidential campaign back in February, unpledged delegate Bob Shiefke told reporters Tuesday he felt like a “total fucking idiot” for being the only person at the Democratic National Convention voting for former Maryland governor Martin O’Malley.
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Sweepstakes Under Fire

Attorneys General from 11 states met in Indianapolis last week to discuss ways to crack down on mail-in sweepstakes like Publishers Clearing House, which they claim use deceptive mailings to trick people into buying products to help their chances of winning. What do you think about sweepstakes fraud?
  • "The publishers have to find some way to clear their houses. If not sweepstakes, how?"

    Linda Kendall Piano Teacher
  • "Hopefully, this will end with Ed McMahon leading police on a spectacular high-speed chase in the Prize Patrol van."

    Ronald D'Acquisto Systems Analyst
  • "So far, I've spent $47,840 on Jack & Jill subscriptions, and still no gigantic novelty check."

    Roy Almon Cashier
  • "I always watch the Super Bowl naked just in case I'm the live-TV grand-prize winner. Here's my dick, America."

    Kenneth Winfield Delivery Driver
  • "The public is being preyed upon by unscrupulous con artists. Save us, Stone Phillips!"

    Denise Briggs Speech Therapist
  • "The public should be protected from blatantly false claims they are stupid enough to believe."

    Richard Dade Attorney

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