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Woman Conducting Ongoing Scientific Experiment On Own Skin

DULUTH, MN—Noting her methodic applications of various chemical agents in carefully controlled combinations, sources confirmed Wednesday that local woman Sara Holloway has been carrying out an open-ended scientific experiment on her own skin.

Earth Ranked Number One Party Planet

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Noting its high concentration of nightlife, droves of attractive singles, and atmospheric conditions allowing liquid alcohol to exist, the ‘Princeton Review’ on Monday ranked Earth the Milky Way galaxy’s top party planet for the fifth year in a row.
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Swine Flu Epidemic Hits U.S.

Homeland Security Secretary Janet Napolitano declared a public health emergency after a Mexican swine flu epidemic hit the United States. What do you think?
  • “I had a glass of orange juice this morning. I'll be fine.”

    Charlie Sarris Garage Door Hanger
  • “Can you get infected if you work in Mexico at a pig farm where all the pigs are infected and you take no health precautions? If so, I have made some terrible life decisions.”

    Heidi Crittenden Pig Farmer
  • "Let's see if I can recall what precautions I took during the last outbreak of swine flu back in 1976. Oh, yes, I bought some oregano from a guy at an Atlanta Rhythm Section concert and scorched my chest trying to iron on a 'Beaver Patrol' decal."

    Sam Smith Insulation Cutter
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