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Swiss Vote Down New Minarets

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‘People Are Inherently Good,’ World Halfheartedly Mutters

NICE, FRANCE—Following yesterday’s terrorist attack in Nice, France that left over 80 people dead and scores more injured, sources reported that a dazed and utterly dejected global populace halfheartedly muttered the phrase “People are inherently good” to themselves Friday.

Louvre Curators Hurry To Display Ugly Van Gogh Donor Gave Them Before Surprise Visit

PARIS—After retrieving the eyesore from amid a clutter of unused display cases and movable stanchions in the back of the facility’s basement where it had been stowed ever since the museum received it, curators at the Louvre hurried to display an ugly Vincent van Gogh painting before the artwork’s donor made a surprise visit to the museum Friday.

ISIS Starting To Worry New Recruit Huge Psycho

RAQQA, SYRIA—Admitting that the recently arrived jihadist’s disturbing behavior was becoming a serious cause for concern, several ISIS members told reporters Friday they were starting to worry that new recruit Said Hassad was a huge psycho.

National Security Experts: ‘ISIS Are Fucking Assholes’

WASHINGTON—Updating the public about the deadly attacks carried out in Brussels yesterday by members of the Syria-based jihadist group, national security experts held a press conference in Washington this morning to notify Americans that ISIS are fucking assholes.
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Swiss Vote Down New Minarets

Voters in Switzerland passed a referendum banning the construction of new Muslim prayer towers. What do you think?
  • "Who knew that a nation full of uptight pricks could also be really intolerant?"

    Matt King Piece Trimmer
  • "I guess there are some Swiss who believe Islamic customs are a threat to their national identity. This is all very eye-opening to me, because I never even knew there was a Swiss national identity."

    Lynda Weitz Unemployed
  • "Can’t say I blame them. It's a slippery slope between calling for prayer and hanging sheets and underpants up there to dry."

    Nick Lovetro Bucket Operator

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