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Man Either Sick Or Just At End Of Workday

CINCINNATI—Overwhelmed by a wave of fatigue, local man Will Markowski told reporters Tuesday that he was uncertain whether he was getting sick or if it was just the end of a normal workday.

A Timeline Of Abraham Lincoln’s Life

Every February, people across the the nation celebrate the legacy of Abraham Lincoln, widely considered to be one of America’s finest presidents. The Onion provides a timeline of the key moments in President Lincoln’s life:

Most Valuable Sports Memorabilia

Sports collectibles have skyrocketed in popularity over the past several decades, with sales of such items as game-worn jerseys and autographed rookie cards generating billions of dollars each year. Onion Sports examines the most sought-after and highly valued sports memorabilia in the world.

Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy

WASHINGTON—Noting that there was something distinctly unnerving about his mannerisms, physical appearance, and overall demeanor, the nation confirmed Friday that it was leery of very odd 8-year-old Brendan Nault.
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Sword Stolen From Lincoln's Tomb

Thieves stole a 3-foot copper sword from the tomb of Abraham Lincoln's final resting place in Springfield, IL. What do you think?

  • "Weird. I would have taken his skull."

    John Hamson Precast Molder
  • "The prophecy says that whoever wields Lincoln’s sword, Grant’s revolver, and Reagan’s Levi’s will lead the Republican nation to a prosperous 1,000-year reign."

    Kimberly Wills Junction Maker
  • "Thanks for letting me know. I’ll spread the word to all my secessionist scrap metal buddies."

    Chris Endeacott Window Washer
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