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Earth Ranked Number One Party Planet

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Noting its high concentration of nightlife, droves of attractive singles, and atmospheric conditions allowing liquid alcohol to exist, the ‘Princeton Review’ on Monday ranked Earth the Milky Way galaxy’s top party planet for the fifth year in a row.

Islam: Myth Vs. Fact

In the wake of President Trump’s proposed immigration ban targeting largely Muslim countries, The Onion separates myth from fact regarding the religion of Islam.
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Sword Stolen From Lincoln's Tomb

Thieves stole a 3-foot copper sword from the tomb of Abraham Lincoln's final resting place in Springfield, IL. What do you think?

  • "Weird. I would have taken his skull."

    John Hamson Precast Molder
  • "The prophecy says that whoever wields Lincoln’s sword, Grant’s revolver, and Reagan’s Levi’s will lead the Republican nation to a prosperous 1,000-year reign."

    Kimberly Wills Junction Maker
  • "Thanks for letting me know. I’ll spread the word to all my secessionist scrap metal buddies."

    Chris Endeacott Window Washer
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