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Biden Opts Out Of Putting Last Few Felonies On Job Application

WASHINGTON—Saying he would be “sitting pretty” if he landed such a primo gig, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly decided Tuesday to leave off several of his most recent felonies while filling out a job application for a blackjack dealer position at the Horseshoe Casino Baltimore.

Departing Bo Obama Lands K Street Lobbyist Position

WASHINGTON—Touting his lengthy tenure in the White House and close personal relationships with the president of the United States and first lady, executives at Brownstein Hyatt Farber Schreck announced Monday that once the current administration steps down later this week, the departing Bo Obama will officially join their high-powered K Street lobbying firm.
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Sword Stolen From Lincoln's Tomb

Thieves stole a 3-foot copper sword from the tomb of Abraham Lincoln's final resting place in Springfield, IL. What do you think?

  • "Weird. I would have taken his skull."

    John Hamson Precast Molder
  • "The prophecy says that whoever wields Lincoln’s sword, Grant’s revolver, and Reagan’s Levi’s will lead the Republican nation to a prosperous 1,000-year reign."

    Kimberly Wills Junction Maker
  • "Thanks for letting me know. I’ll spread the word to all my secessionist scrap metal buddies."

    Chris Endeacott Window Washer

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