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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Sword Stolen From Lincoln's Tomb

Thieves stole a 3-foot copper sword from the tomb of Abraham Lincoln's final resting place in Springfield, IL. What do you think?

  • "Weird. I would have taken his skull."

    John Hamson Precast Molder
  • "The prophecy says that whoever wields Lincoln’s sword, Grant’s revolver, and Reagan’s Levi’s will lead the Republican nation to a prosperous 1,000-year reign."

    Kimberly Wills Junction Maker
  • "Thanks for letting me know. I’ll spread the word to all my secessionist scrap metal buddies."

    Chris Endeacott Window Washer

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