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‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.

Nation Not Sure How To Describe Mark

‘You Would Have To Meet Him,’ Millions Say

WASHINGTON—Saying you’d understand what they were talking about the moment you laid eyes on him, the entire nation reported Monday that it was kind of hard to describe Mark and you’d just have to meet him.

Report: Shit, Last Night Was Trash Night

CHELSEA, MA—Stopping in his tracks upon discovering his entire block lined with empty bins, local man Roger Peters reported Thursday that, shit, last night was trash night.
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Sword-Wielding Man Shot At Scientology Building

A security guard shot and killed a man who approached the Scientology Celebrity Centre in Hollywood waving two samurai swords. What do you think?
  • "I hear the Samurai Celebrity Centre next door was none too pleased."

    Marlon Ratliff Glass Blower
  • "I don't understand. Who wants to meet Kirstie Alley that badly?

    Heather Hickman Art Teacher
  • "What an outlandish and wildly far-fetched story. Of course, as a Scientologist myself, I naturally believe every word of it without question."

    Walter Santrello Lighting Tech

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