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Syria: Chemical Weapons Won't Be Used On Civilians

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360 Tour: Inside The RNC

The Onion invites you to explore our view from the floor of the 2016 Republican National Convention in Cleveland.

Good Guy With Gun, Bad Guy With Gun Both Excited To Unload Firearm In Crowd Outside Arena

CLEVELAND—As each of them looked around at the people gathered outside Quicken Loans Arena and fantasized about unholstering their weapon and taking aim directly at others, both a good guy with a gun and a bad guy with a gun attending the Republican National Convention reportedly worked themselves into a heightened state of excitement Thursday at the thought of unloading their firearm into the crowd.

Bob Dole Picked Off By Large Hawk Circling Arena Parking Lot

CLEVELAND—Describing how the bird of prey suddenly dived down from the sky at high velocity, sources confirmed Thursday that former GOP presidential nominee Bob Dole was picked off by a large red-tailed hawk circling above the Quicken Loans Arena parking lot.
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Syria: Chemical Weapons Won't Be Used On Civilians

A spokesman for President Bashar al-Assad's government said it would never use its presumed stockpile of cyanide, sarin, and mustard gas against Syrian citizens amid the nation's ongoing uprising. What do you think?

  • “But that’s half the fun of chemical weapons.”

    Tim Muran Obstetrician
  • “And yet out of all of Obama’s many lofty promises to us, did he ever once vow not to murder or gas us to death? No, he did not.”

    Melissa Preville Systems Analyst
  • “Thank goodness. I hate when genocide is inhumane."

    Katharine Goldfein Fermentation Operator

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