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New EPA Chief Proposes 30% Cut In All Carbon-Based Organisms

WASHINGTON—Expressing confidence that the nation would meet the ambitious benchmarks by the end of Donald Trump’s presidential term, Scott Pruitt, the president-elect’s nominee for chief of the Environmental Protection Agency, said Thursday he would seek a 30 percent cut in all carbon-based organisms upon assuming office.

Tips For Hotel Etiquette

Staying in a hotel can be a fun and luxurious experience, but it requires consideration of the guests around you. The Onion presents its guide to hotel etiquette:

Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

John Kerry Throws Vine Over Pit Of Quicksand To Save Child Companion

PANGSAU, MYANMAR—Thinking quickly to thwart disaster as he ventured deep into the Myanmar rainforest to meet with State Councilor Aung San Suu Kyi, Secretary of State John Kerry threw a vine over a pit of quicksand to save the life of his 12-year-old Moroccan companion, Drumstick, sources confirmed Monday.
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Syria: Chemical Weapons Won't Be Used On Civilians

A spokesman for President Bashar al-Assad's government said it would never use its presumed stockpile of cyanide, sarin, and mustard gas against Syrian citizens amid the nation's ongoing uprising. What do you think?

  • “But that’s half the fun of chemical weapons.”

    Tim Muran Obstetrician
  • “And yet out of all of Obama’s many lofty promises to us, did he ever once vow not to murder or gas us to death? No, he did not.”

    Melissa Preville Systems Analyst
  • “Thank goodness. I hate when genocide is inhumane."

    Katharine Goldfein Fermentation Operator

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