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Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

How Trump Plans To ‘Drain The Swamp’

One of Donald Trump’s central presidential campaign promises was to “drain the swamp” by ridding Washington politics of corruption and corporate influence. Here’s how he plans to do it.

Keys To The Matchup: Packers vs. Falcons

The NFC Championship Game pits the Atlanta Falcons against the Green Bay Packers for the rare chance to play a meaningful game in Houston. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.
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Syria: Chemical Weapons Won't Be Used On Civilians

A spokesman for President Bashar al-Assad's government said it would never use its presumed stockpile of cyanide, sarin, and mustard gas against Syrian citizens amid the nation's ongoing uprising. What do you think?

  • “But that’s half the fun of chemical weapons.”

    Tim Muran Obstetrician
  • “And yet out of all of Obama’s many lofty promises to us, did he ever once vow not to murder or gas us to death? No, he did not.”

    Melissa Preville Systems Analyst
  • “Thank goodness. I hate when genocide is inhumane."

    Katharine Goldfein Fermentation Operator

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