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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Syria Says It Will Give Up Chemical Weapons

Accepting a plan put forth by Russia, the Syrian government has reportedly agreed to relinquish its stockpile of chemical weapons in an effort to avoid a military strike by the United States. What do you think?

  • “Hey, I spent a half hour last night reading up on this conflict, so it better not be over now.”

    David Rizik Barrel Liner
  • “I’m the same way. It’s like, get the chocolate out of the house, otherwise I’ll be too tempted to eat it.”

    Patty Benchley Irrigation Engineer
  • “Let’s strike now, when they least expect it!”

    Lee Pridemore Unemployed

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