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Man Either Sick Or Just At End Of Workday

CINCINNATI—Overwhelmed by a wave of fatigue, local man Will Markowski told reporters Tuesday that he was uncertain whether he was getting sick or if it was just the end of a normal workday.

A Timeline Of Abraham Lincoln’s Life

Every February, people across the the nation celebrate the legacy of Abraham Lincoln, widely considered to be one of America’s finest presidents. The Onion provides a timeline of the key moments in President Lincoln’s life:

Most Valuable Sports Memorabilia

Sports collectibles have skyrocketed in popularity over the past several decades, with sales of such items as game-worn jerseys and autographed rookie cards generating billions of dollars each year. Onion Sports examines the most sought-after and highly valued sports memorabilia in the world.

Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy

WASHINGTON—Noting that there was something distinctly unnerving about his mannerisms, physical appearance, and overall demeanor, the nation confirmed Friday that it was leery of very odd 8-year-old Brendan Nault.
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Syria Says It Will Give Up Chemical Weapons

Accepting a plan put forth by Russia, the Syrian government has reportedly agreed to relinquish its stockpile of chemical weapons in an effort to avoid a military strike by the United States. What do you think?

  • “Hey, I spent a half hour last night reading up on this conflict, so it better not be over now.”

    David Rizik Barrel Liner
  • “I’m the same way. It’s like, get the chocolate out of the house, otherwise I’ll be too tempted to eat it.”

    Patty Benchley Irrigation Engineer
  • “Let’s strike now, when they least expect it!”

    Lee Pridemore Unemployed
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