adBlockCheck

Recent News

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
End Of Section
  • More News

Syrian Fighter Pilot Granted Asylum

Defecting from the Assad regime, a Syrian air force colonel flew his Russian-made jet to Jordan, where he was granted asylum. What do you think?

  • “The Jordanians are kings of getting free fighter jets.”

    Roman Karwowski Floor-Layer
  • “For old times' sake, I hope he took the chance to fire on some civilians before he left.”

    Joseph Gallo Fish-Liver Sorter
  • “I hope he doesn’t get homesick for all of those Syrian things, you know, that Syria has.”

    Michelle Randazzo Unemployed

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close