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Man Holding Hands With Pregnant Woman Must Have Weird Fetish

RED BANK, NJ—Testing the limits of what even the most progressive onlookers considered publicly acceptable, a man was seen by multiple witnesses Tuesday holding hands with a visibly pregnant woman in what many could only interpret as the expression of a bizarre fetish.

Grandma Looking Like Absolute Shit Lately

VERO BEACH, FL—Unable to ignore the 86-year-old’s dramatic physical decline since they last saw her, sources within the Delahunt family reported Monday that their grandmother Shirley is looking like absolute shit lately.

A Basic Guide To Dream Interpretation

Dreaming is a universal human experience, and many similar themes arise in people’s dreams the world over. The Onion provides some context for interpreting these common dreams:
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T. Rex Ancestor Was Human-Sized

Paleontologists have uncovered fossil evidence of a progenitor of the Tyrannosaurus Rex that was no larger than a human being. What do you you think?
  • "Great. So now my nightmares about being eaten by a T. Rex will not only be terrifying, but humiliating, too."

    Troy Row Plant Lean Manager
  • "Would you look at that! Its claws are no bigger than mine."

    Vanessa Lopez Material Handler
  • "As someone with really short grandparents, I can completely relate."

    Samuel Feldman Systems Analyst

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