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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Taliban Claim Dud Bomb

The Pakistani Taliban claimed responsibility on an Islamist website for a car bomb that failed to detonate in Times Square this weekend. What do you think?

  • "In the spirit of candor, I should say that I too wrestled with failure while launching my own small bomb-making business."

    Tim Bowman Pigment Mixer
  • "Christianity also teaches acceptance of our failures and the use of websites. Maybe we are not so different after all."

    Traci Poole Drum Plater
  • "The firecrackers and barbecue-grill propane tanks are a dead giveaway. Wait, you said South Carolina Taliban, right?"

    Al Floyd Rock Drill Operator

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