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Biden Opts Out Of Putting Last Few Felonies On Job Application

WASHINGTON—Saying he would be “sitting pretty” if he landed such a primo gig, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly decided Tuesday to leave off several of his most recent felonies while filling out a job application for a blackjack dealer position at the Horseshoe Casino Baltimore.

Departing Bo Obama Lands K Street Lobbyist Position

WASHINGTON—Touting his lengthy tenure in the White House and close personal relationships with the president of the United States and first lady, executives at Brownstein Hyatt Farber Schreck announced Monday that once the current administration steps down later this week, the departing Bo Obama will officially join their high-powered K Street lobbying firm.

How To Combat Harassment Online

Online harassment is an increasingly contentious issue, with social media sites like Twitter and Reddit pressured to crack down on users’ abusive behavior. Here are The Onion’s tips for combating harassment online:

Strongside/Weakside: Deshaun Watson

After leading his team to victory in the College Football Playoff National Championship, Clemson University quarterback Deshaun Watson announced he would forgo his final year of eligibility and declare for the NFL Draft. Is he any good?
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Talking Air Safety

Several recent high-profile plane crashes, including an Oct. 31 EgyptAir disaster that claimed 217 lives, have once again caused airline safety to come into question. What do you think?
  • "I feel we should all make airline safety a top priority, devoting as much attention to it as possible for two or three weeks after every major crash."

    Janice Hough Speech Pathologist
  • "Actually, air travel is still safer than driving, especially if you need to go to Europe or Asia."

    Robert Christopher Architect
  • "When I think of the people lost in this latest tragedy over the Atlantic, I can't help but ask: Why didn't they use their seat cushions as a flotation device? Why?"

    Marlon Tompkins Systems Analyst
  • "How's about they have some kind of spare plane on board in case anything happens to the regular plane?"

    Kenny Eccles Prep Cook
  • "I stopped flying on commercial jets when I discovered that there's something else that has wings: my imagination."

    Iris Fallon Nurse
  • "Sorry about that EgyptAir thing, but those planes take fuckin' hours to inspect, and, well, I got a social life, you know."

    Daniel Foti Airplane Mechanic

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