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Politics

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.

Biden Opts Out Of Putting Last Few Felonies On Job Application

WASHINGTON—Saying he would be “sitting pretty” if he landed such a primo gig, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly decided Tuesday to leave off several of his most recent felonies while filling out a job application for a blackjack dealer position at the Horseshoe Casino Baltimore.
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Talking Head Suing Florida Governor

Musician David Byrne is suing Florida governor and U.S. Senate candidate Charlie Crist for allegedly using the Talking Heads song "Road To Nowhere" in a campaign commercial without securing the proper clearances. What do you think?

  • "That's a bad move. Everybody knows that if you want to win in Florida it's Emilio Estefan all the way."

    Ray Wolff Security Consultant
  • "But I always do what the Talking Heads tells me. When I heard them in that Dial soap commercial, I ditched Ivory after years of loyalty!"

    Lydia Cheffins Bar Tender
  • "Sorry, I'm not too up on my Florida politics. Does Charlie Crist want to build an actual road to nowhere?"

    Allen Mattson Ton-Container Filler

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