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Politics

Bo Obama Addresses Graduates Of Dayton Obedience School

DAYTON, OH—Calling on the 2017 class of canines to make the most of their training as they head out into the world, former first dog Bo Obama delivered a stirring commencement speech Friday to graduates of the Dayton Obedience School.

Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Trump: ‘I Am A Very Stupid Human Being’

WASHINGTON—Responding to a damning ‘Washington Post’ report alleging he had shared highly classified information with Russian officials, President Donald Trump addressed the concerns of the press, his fellow government officials, and the public at large Tuesday by announcing that he was an incredibly stupid human being.

Escalating Tensions Lead Trump To Shake Up Inner Circle Of TV Programs

WASHINGTON—Saying the decision arose out of the necessity to weed out certain key members whose values no longer aligned with the president’s, White House spokesman Sean Spicer told reporters Thursday that escalating tensions have led President Trump to shake up his inner circle of television programs.
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Tattoo Youth

A number of parents' groups are currently lobbying Congress to pass legislation requiring minors to obtain parental consent before they can get a tattoo. What do you think?
  • "I would never let my daughter get a tattoo. I didn't spend 17 years washing and softening her supple skin only to have her mar it with some ink."

    Geoff Casterbaum Civil Engineer
  • "Dude, I was gonna get this totally radical tattoo that said, 'Satan Is Lord, All Hail The Prince Of Darkness,' just to let everyone know I'm not someone to fuck with. Too bad my mom said no."

    Steven Zylker Student
  • "My dad's such a hypocrite. He says I can't ever have a tattoo, even though he's got this cool nine-digit number on his forearm."

    Bobby Ohlmeyer Student
  • "A 15-year-old is old enough to buy cigarettes, but not old enough to get a tattoo? That's not right."

    Christine Potvin Systems Analyst
  • "When I was a baby, my mother took me to get my first tattoo. It's on my forehead, and it reads, 'Mommy's Little Mistake.'"

    Candice Brocklin Painter
  • "My mom said I could get a tattoo, as long as it said, 'Homosexuality Is Wrong.'"

    Ned Junker Karate Instructor

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