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Fermilab Receives Generous Anonymous Particle Donation

BATAVIA, IL—Calling it the most substantial private donation the research facility has received in years, officials at the Fermi National Accelerator Laboratory announced Monday that an anonymous benefactor had given them a generous particle donation.

God Excited About First Trip To Japan

THE HEAVENS—After years of talking about visiting the East Asian country, God, Our Lord and Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was excited to finally be taking His first trip to Japan.
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Teacher Empathy Improves Learning

Stanford research showed that when teachers moved away from punitive discipline and favored an empathic model of building strong relationships with students, the number of annual suspensions was reduced by half. What do you think?

  • “I wish this study had been published in 1975 before I lit that desk on fire.”

    Bonnie Waldren Systems Analyst
  • “I won’t stand for this feminization of our country at the hands of empirical science.”

    Stan Bone Crustacean Collector
  • “Sure, this sounds good in theory, but just wait until those teachers get bogged down with countless letters from grateful former students.”

    Jeremy Bacon Box Assembler

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