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Man Holding Hands With Pregnant Woman Must Have Weird Fetish

RED BANK, NJ—Testing the limits of what even the most progressive onlookers considered publicly acceptable, a man was seen by multiple witnesses Tuesday holding hands with a visibly pregnant woman in what many could only interpret as the expression of a bizarre fetish.

Grandma Looking Like Absolute Shit Lately

VERO BEACH, FL—Unable to ignore the 86-year-old’s dramatic physical decline since they last saw her, sources within the Delahunt family reported Monday that their grandmother Shirley is looking like absolute shit lately.

A Basic Guide To Dream Interpretation

Dreaming is a universal human experience, and many similar themes arise in people’s dreams the world over. The Onion provides some context for interpreting these common dreams:
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Teen Sexting Linked To Having Sex

A study in the journal Pediatrics found that teens who sent sexually explicit texts or photos were seven times more likely to be sexually active, indicating they don’t simply use sexting as an alterative to real sex, as earlier reports have suggested. What do you think?

  • “Really? Typing sexual words on a phone isn’t an alternative to rubbing genitals together? Are you sure about that?”

    Kenneth Lietzke Jukebox Servicer
  • “Hmm. I’ve been texting sexually explicit photos for months now and still nothing. Am I doing it wrong?”

    John-Clay Zalkan Unemployed
  • “I don’t trust this study. I don’t even let my daughter have a cell phone, and yet she’s a complete whore.”

    Elena Monjaraz Allergist

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