adBlockCheck

Recent News

Fermilab Receives Generous Anonymous Particle Donation

BATAVIA, IL—Calling it the most substantial private donation the research facility has received in years, officials at the Fermi National Accelerator Laboratory announced Monday that an anonymous benefactor had given them a generous particle donation.

God Excited About First Trip To Japan

THE HEAVENS—After years of talking about visiting the East Asian country, God, Our Lord and Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was excited to finally be taking His first trip to Japan.
End Of Section
  • More News

Teen Sexting Linked To Having Sex

A study in the journal Pediatrics found that teens who sent sexually explicit texts or photos were seven times more likely to be sexually active, indicating they don’t simply use sexting as an alterative to real sex, as earlier reports have suggested. What do you think?

  • “Really? Typing sexual words on a phone isn’t an alternative to rubbing genitals together? Are you sure about that?”

    Kenneth Lietzke Jukebox Servicer
  • “Hmm. I’ve been texting sexually explicit photos for months now and still nothing. Am I doing it wrong?”

    John-Clay Zalkan Unemployed
  • “I don’t trust this study. I don’t even let my daughter have a cell phone, and yet she’s a complete whore.”

    Elena Monjaraz Allergist

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close