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Brad Pitt Sidelined 6 To 8 Weeks With Red Carpet Toe

LOS ANGELES—Saying doctors strongly recommended that he stay off the injured foot, representatives for Brad Pitt confirmed to reporters Sunday that the actor was sidelined six to eight weeks with a case of red carpet toe.

The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:
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Teen Sexting Not As Prevalent As Thought

A study published in the journal Pediatrics revealed that only one in 100 teens had sent nude or sexually explicit images via phone, as opposed to the previous estimate of one in five. What do you think?

  • "Is it okay if I pretend that statistic doesn't exist? You see, I'm a producer for a nationally televised morning news show."

    Karen Blanck Television Producer
  • "Makes sense. Most kids today are too fat to fit themselves into the frame."

    Dean Harris Systems Analyst
  • "I could've told you that. Man, my kids are never gonna get laid."

    Martin Hannah Mold Stripper
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