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‘The Princess Bride’ By The Numbers

‘The Princess Bride’ was released 30 years ago today, and it has since become a classic beloved by people of all ages. ‘The Onion’ looks back at ‘The Princess Bride’ 30 years later.

National Zoo Announces Giant Pandas To Divorce

WASHINGTON—Assuring the public that the decision was difficult but the right thing to do for all parties involved, the Smithsonian National Zoological Park announced Friday that their giant pandas would be divorcing.

New Climate Change Report Just List Of Years Each Country Becomes Uninhabitable

GENEVA—Stating that the data published within its pages represented the scientific consensus of top researchers around the world, the U.N. Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change released its annual report this week, which consists solely of an alphabetized list of every country on earth and the years each of them will become uninhabitable.
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Teen Sexting Not As Prevalent As Thought

A study published in the journal Pediatrics revealed that only one in 100 teens had sent nude or sexually explicit images via phone, as opposed to the previous estimate of one in five. What do you think?

  • "Is it okay if I pretend that statistic doesn't exist? You see, I'm a producer for a nationally televised morning news show."

    Karen Blanck Television Producer
  • "Makes sense. Most kids today are too fat to fit themselves into the frame."

    Dean Harris Systems Analyst
  • "I could've told you that. Man, my kids are never gonna get laid."

    Martin Hannah Mold Stripper

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