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Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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Teen Smoking On The Rise

Despite the recent passage of numerous laws prohibiting tobacco manufacturers from marketing to minors, last week it was reported that teen smoking is on the rise in the U.S. What do you think?
  • "I don't understand why teen smoking is up. Haven't we made it clear to kids that smoking is a dangerous, forbidden thing meant for older people?"

    Gina Revering Systems Analyst
  • "I stopped smoking when I realized I could get one of those cool tracheotomy voice boxes without having cancer."

    Stu Colavito Mechanical Engineer
  • "If anyone should be smoking, it's kids. You never hear about them dying of lung cancer."

    Tony Fuller Bookstore Owner
  • "Perhaps Nancy Reagan could sit down and talk to these kids."

    Todd Pollack Dietitian
  • "As a public educator, I'm at a loss to explain this. Do you think the hip posters, the 'totally rad' anti-smoking sock hops and Dobie The Don't Smoke Donkey are having some sort of negative effect?"

    Iris Diamondopoulis Teacher
  • "These statistics are misleading. The higher rate of teen smoking is merely a symptom of the higher rate of teen fucking."

    Zachary Roth Florist

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