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A Timeline Of Abraham Lincoln’s Life

Every February, people across the the nation celebrate the legacy of Abraham Lincoln, widely considered to be one of America’s finest presidents. The Onion provides a timeline of the key moments in President Lincoln’s life:

Most Valuable Sports Memorabilia

Sports collectibles have skyrocketed in popularity over the past several decades, with sales of such items as game-worn jerseys and autographed rookie cards generating billions of dollars each year. Onion Sports examines the most sought-after and highly valued sports memorabilia in the world.

Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy

WASHINGTON—Noting that there was something distinctly unnerving about his mannerisms, physical appearance, and overall demeanor, the nation confirmed Friday that it was leery of very odd 8-year-old Brendan Nault.

What You Need To Know About The Trump Administration’s Ties To Russia

New revelations from the U.S. intelligence community about potentially illegal communications between members of the Trump administration and Russian officials, which led to Michael Flynn resigning as national security advisor Monday, have increased calls for a wider investigation of Trump’s murky ties to Russia. Here’s what you need to know.
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Teen Smoking On The Rise

Despite the recent passage of numerous laws prohibiting tobacco manufacturers from marketing to minors, last week it was reported that teen smoking is on the rise in the U.S. What do you think?
  • "I don't understand why teen smoking is up. Haven't we made it clear to kids that smoking is a dangerous, forbidden thing meant for older people?"

    Gina Revering Systems Analyst
  • "I stopped smoking when I realized I could get one of those cool tracheotomy voice boxes without having cancer."

    Stu Colavito Mechanical Engineer
  • "If anyone should be smoking, it's kids. You never hear about them dying of lung cancer."

    Tony Fuller Bookstore Owner
  • "Perhaps Nancy Reagan could sit down and talk to these kids."

    Todd Pollack Dietitian
  • "As a public educator, I'm at a loss to explain this. Do you think the hip posters, the 'totally rad' anti-smoking sock hops and Dobie The Don't Smoke Donkey are having some sort of negative effect?"

    Iris Diamondopoulis Teacher
  • "These statistics are misleading. The higher rate of teen smoking is merely a symptom of the higher rate of teen fucking."

    Zachary Roth Florist
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