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Teen Smoking On The Rise

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360 Tour: Inside The RNC

The Onion invites you to explore our view from the floor of the 2016 Republican National Convention in Cleveland.

Good Guy With Gun, Bad Guy With Gun Both Excited To Unload Firearm In Crowd Outside Arena

CLEVELAND—As each of them looked around at the people gathered outside Quicken Loans Arena and fantasized about unholstering their weapon and taking aim directly at others, both a good guy with a gun and a bad guy with a gun attending the Republican National Convention reportedly worked themselves into a heightened state of excitement Thursday at the thought of unloading their firearm into the crowd.

Bob Dole Picked Off By Large Hawk Circling Arena Parking Lot

CLEVELAND—Describing how the bird of prey suddenly dived down from the sky at high velocity, sources confirmed Thursday that former GOP presidential nominee Bob Dole was picked off by a large red-tailed hawk circling above the Quicken Loans Arena parking lot.
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Teen Smoking On The Rise

Despite the recent passage of numerous laws prohibiting tobacco manufacturers from marketing to minors, last week it was reported that teen smoking is on the rise in the U.S. What do you think?
  • "I don't understand why teen smoking is up. Haven't we made it clear to kids that smoking is a dangerous, forbidden thing meant for older people?"

    Gina Revering Systems Analyst
  • "I stopped smoking when I realized I could get one of those cool tracheotomy voice boxes without having cancer."

    Stu Colavito Mechanical Engineer
  • "If anyone should be smoking, it's kids. You never hear about them dying of lung cancer."

    Tony Fuller Bookstore Owner
  • "Perhaps Nancy Reagan could sit down and talk to these kids."

    Todd Pollack Dietitian
  • "As a public educator, I'm at a loss to explain this. Do you think the hip posters, the 'totally rad' anti-smoking sock hops and Dobie The Don't Smoke Donkey are having some sort of negative effect?"

    Iris Diamondopoulis Teacher
  • "These statistics are misleading. The higher rate of teen smoking is merely a symptom of the higher rate of teen fucking."

    Zachary Roth Florist

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