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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Teens Getting High Off Lip Balm In New ‘Beezin’ Trend

At least one local news station is reporting that teenagers are engaging in a new trend called “beezin,” which apparently involves applying Burt’s Bees lip balm to the eyelids to experience a tingling sensation from the peppermint oil. What do you think?

  • “I think it’s time we all sat our children down and told them that smoking weed is great and normal.”

    Cassidy Wilcox Revenue Agent
  • “If they can find something fun to do with lip balm, then more power to them.”

    Dick Galligan Pipefitter
  • “They wouldn’t have to resort to lip balm if Visine made an eye drop with some balls.”

    Donald Cates Insurance Collector

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