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Fermilab Receives Generous Anonymous Particle Donation

BATAVIA, IL—Calling it the most substantial private donation the research facility has received in years, officials at the Fermi National Accelerator Laboratory announced Monday that an anonymous benefactor had given them a generous particle donation.

God Excited About First Trip To Japan

THE HEAVENS—After years of talking about visiting the East Asian country, God, Our Lord and Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was excited to finally be taking His first trip to Japan.
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Teens Getting Hurt Playing ‘Fire Challenge’ Game

Police and medical workers across the country are reporting more incidents of teenagers hurting themselves playing the “Fire Challenge” game shown in numerous YouTube videos, which involves pouring a small amount of flammable liquid on their bodies and lighting themselves on fire. What do you think?

  • “I know it sounds dumb, but the stunt did get them on YouTube.”

    Wilson Deschaine Systems Analyst
  • “On one hand, you’ve got teachers and parents telling you not to set yourself on fire, and on the other hand, you’ve got everybody else telling you not to set yourself on fire, so how are teens supposed to know what’s right?”

    Don Koretz Towel Folder
  • “Well, they have to get hurt doing something.”

    Judy Schneider Comparison Shopping Expert

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