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Fermilab Receives Generous Anonymous Particle Donation

BATAVIA, IL—Calling it the most substantial private donation the research facility has received in years, officials at the Fermi National Accelerator Laboratory announced Monday that an anonymous benefactor had given them a generous particle donation.

God Excited About First Trip To Japan

THE HEAVENS—After years of talking about visiting the East Asian country, God, Our Lord and Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was excited to finally be taking His first trip to Japan.
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Teens More Stressed Than Adults

A new survey by the American Psychological Association found that teenagers feel more overwhelmed, depressed, and generally stressed out than adults, with 27 percent of teens reporting that they feel “extreme stress” versus 21 percent of adults. What do you think?

  • “Yeah, it must be hard to have all of your financial responsibilities taken care of and your whole life ahead of you.”

    Dylan Newman Ad Revenue Analyst
  • “Teens need to calm down and remember that it gets better for a tiny fraction of them.”

    Brett McCormack Weekly Circular Editor
  • “Yeah, suck it, teenagers!”

    Carrie Johnson File Clerk

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