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God Sick Of New Angel’s Annoying Fucking Voice

THE HEAVENS—Calling the sound a “cross between a train whistle and a dying goat,” God, Our Lord And Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was already sick of a new angel’s “incredibly fucking annoying voice.

Brad Pitt Sidelined 6 To 8 Weeks With Red Carpet Toe

LOS ANGELES—Saying doctors strongly recommended that he stay off the injured foot, representatives for Brad Pitt confirmed to reporters Sunday that the actor was sidelined six to eight weeks with a case of red carpet toe.

The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:
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Terrorism Training Videos Yanked From YouTube

The new community guidelines for YouTube ban users from uploading videos that incite violence or teach violent activities, like bomb making. What do you think?
  • "That's a relief. There's no telling what kind of havoc a group of YouTube-trained terrorists could cause."

    Pat Olifant Carpenter
  • "Also, they should stop terrorism in places besides YouTube."

    Jill Wikler Volleyball Coach
  • "Oh man, how's my start-up terrorist group supposed to get the word out now? Flyers?"

    Mike Harmon Terrorist
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