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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Terrorist Hero Of New Film

V For Vendetta, a film produced by the Wachowski brothers in which the hero is a terrorist who blows up the British Parliament building, opens today. What do you think?
  • "I haven't felt this conflicted over who to root for since Freddy vs. Jason."

    Kadina Alanis Paralegal
  • "All the political stuff aside, I'm going to see it because Natalie Portman's bald. Finally!"

    Frank Blanco Shoe Patternmaker
  • "That's it. I'm burning my Matrix DVDs. Well, at least the third one. And the second."

    Marco Ragozzino Funeral Director

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