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Biden Opts Out Of Putting Last Few Felonies On Job Application

WASHINGTON—Saying he would be “sitting pretty” if he landed such a primo gig, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly decided Tuesday to leave off several of his most recent felonies while filling out a job application for a blackjack dealer position at the Horseshoe Casino Baltimore.

Departing Bo Obama Lands K Street Lobbyist Position

WASHINGTON—Touting his lengthy tenure in the White House and close personal relationships with the president of the United States and first lady, executives at Brownstein Hyatt Farber Schreck announced Monday that once the current administration steps down later this week, the departing Bo Obama will officially join their high-powered K Street lobbying firm.
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Testosterone, Needles Possibly Found At Pistorius' Home

Police say they found needles and what may be testosterone in Oscar Pistorius’ bedroom, suggesting that the double-amputee Olympic sprinter may have been doping around the time he shot his girlfriend, though defense lawyers claimed the substance was an herbal supplement and not a steroid. What do you think?

  • “I don’t see what the big deal is. They found all sorts of crazy stuff at my apartment after I killed my girlfriend.”

    Neil Salvatori Systems Analyst
  • “The guy has no legs. Let him take whatever he wants, for chrissakes.”

    Theresa Berman Oil Sprayer
  • “It was probably echinacea. I use it to boost my immune system, but every now and again when I take it, I murder someone I love.”

    Dennis Lew Layaway Clerk

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