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Brad Pitt Sidelined 6 To 8 Weeks With Red Carpet Toe

LOS ANGELES—Saying doctors strongly recommended that he stay off the injured foot, representatives for Brad Pitt confirmed to reporters Sunday that the actor was sidelined six to eight weeks with a case of red carpet toe.

The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:
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Testosterone Patch Revives Female Sex Drive

A study published in The New England Journal Of Medicine says that postmenopausal women experience an increase in libido with a testosterone patch. What do you think?
  • "I'm skeptical. Does this really work better than half a glass of white zinfandel and a Robert Redford movie?"

    Mike Vinton Line Cook
  • "Testosterone will make me into a woman again? I thought this sweater with embroidered cats would."

    Margaret Lee Systems Analyst
  • "Why all this attention on women's sex drives? When will they come up with a pill that allows me to achieve and sustain an erection?"

    Bobby Hirt Cabinet Maker
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