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Politics

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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Texans Elect First Jewish Speaker

Joe Straus, a Republican from San Antonio who has been elected speaker of the Texas House of Representatives, is the first Jew to hold the position since Texas became a state. What do you think?
  • "Stupid, deceptively Christian-sounding surname. They should really list candidates' faiths on the ballot."

    Brady Roren Collections Manager
  • "And people say we aren't progressive! Why just the other—quick! Look down. Here comes a black man."

    Ian Posdal Office Assistant
  • "This is clear evidence that the dialectical nature of cultural politics eventually creates pathways for Jews to adapt to traditionally non-Semitic institutions. Y'all."

    Chloe Ballwahn Professor

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