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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
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Texas-Cheerleader Crackdown

Last week, the Texas House of Representatives approved a bill banning "overtly sexually suggestive" high-school cheerleading routines. What do you think?
  • "See?! See what happens when you bring it on, Kirsten Dunst?!"

    Erik Booth Systems Analyst
  • "If we outlawed everything some people find offensive, there wouldn't even be a Texas in the first place."

    Cindy Campos Lifeguard
  • "Is there a way to comment on this without seeming like a huge perv? All right then, I like the jiggling. Are you happy?"

    Jon Patell Loan Clerk
  • "Texas lawmakers: always on the vanguard of educational reform."

    Dianne Pruitt Store Owner
  • "The law needs to differentiate clearly between lewd cheerleading and regular cheerleading. I've been masturbating to both for quite some time, and trust me, there are subtle differences."

    Alvin Humphrey Laser Engineer
  • "As a former Texas football player, I've gotta say I never noticed the cheerleaders. Don't tell the other guys, though, 'cause they'd kick the shit outta me if they knew that I was gay."

    Alex Stafford Laundry Worker

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