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Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.
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Texas-Cheerleader Crackdown

Last week, the Texas House of Representatives approved a bill banning "overtly sexually suggestive" high-school cheerleading routines. What do you think?
  • "See?! See what happens when you bring it on, Kirsten Dunst?!"

    Erik Booth Systems Analyst
  • "If we outlawed everything some people find offensive, there wouldn't even be a Texas in the first place."

    Cindy Campos Lifeguard
  • "Is there a way to comment on this without seeming like a huge perv? All right then, I like the jiggling. Are you happy?"

    Jon Patell Loan Clerk
  • "Texas lawmakers: always on the vanguard of educational reform."

    Dianne Pruitt Store Owner
  • "The law needs to differentiate clearly between lewd cheerleading and regular cheerleading. I've been masturbating to both for quite some time, and trust me, there are subtle differences."

    Alvin Humphrey Laser Engineer
  • "As a former Texas football player, I've gotta say I never noticed the cheerleaders. Don't tell the other guys, though, 'cause they'd kick the shit outta me if they knew that I was gay."

    Alex Stafford Laundry Worker

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MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

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