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Overeager Simpleton Destroys That Which He Loves Most

WICHITA, KS—Agonizingly unaware of his own strength and the devastation it might inflict on the innocent, overeager simpleton Rob McCormick tore apart a bag of potato chips Thursday, despite the fact that it was reportedly what he loved most in all the world.

Raccoon Family Tired Of Taking Care Of Rabid Father

MONTGOMERY, WV—Acknowledging that he has become a real burden on their foraging and nesting activities, a local raccoon family told reporters Tuesday that they are starting to get tired of taking care of their rabid father.
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Texas County Bans Some Outdoor Grills

In an effort to curtail wildfires in the drought-stricken area, Guadalupe County in Texas has banned outdoor fires, including barbecues without lids. What do you think?

  • "Can you still use a wildfire to cook your food if one is already burning?"

    Maggie Chin Systems Analyst
  • "I don't see how banning responsible business operators from using an open-pit barbecue is going to stop me from dumping cigarette butts into the brush."

    Leo Downe Golf-Range Attendant
  • "Real Texans don't use grills; they just keep roping a T-bone until the friction cooks it to about medium-rare."

    Al Bishop Remnant Sorter

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