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34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Mom Produces Decorative Gift Bag Out Of Thin Air

LEXINGTON, MA—Conjuring the item into existence along with several sheets of perfectly coordinated tissue paper, local mother Caroline Wolfson, 49, reportedly produced a decorative gift bag out of thin air Tuesday within a mere fraction of a second of her daughter mentioning she needed to wrap a present.

Cake Just Sitting There

Take It

CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.
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Texas County Bans Some Outdoor Grills

In an effort to curtail wildfires in the drought-stricken area, Guadalupe County in Texas has banned outdoor fires, including barbecues without lids. What do you think?

  • "Can you still use a wildfire to cook your food if one is already burning?"

    Maggie Chin Systems Analyst
  • "I don't see how banning responsible business operators from using an open-pit barbecue is going to stop me from dumping cigarette butts into the brush."

    Leo Downe Golf-Range Attendant
  • "Real Texans don't use grills; they just keep roping a T-bone until the friction cooks it to about medium-rare."

    Al Bishop Remnant Sorter

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