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34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Mom Produces Decorative Gift Bag Out Of Thin Air

LEXINGTON, MA—Conjuring the item into existence along with several sheets of perfectly coordinated tissue paper, local mother Caroline Wolfson, 49, reportedly produced a decorative gift bag out of thin air Tuesday within a mere fraction of a second of her daughter mentioning she needed to wrap a present.

Cake Just Sitting There

Take It

CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.

Roommate Skulking Around Edge Of Party Like Victorian Ghost Child

SEATTLE—Appearing initially in the far corner of the living room and then several minutes later on the threshold between the kitchen and the hallway, local roommate Kelsey Stahl was, by multiple accounts, seen skulking around the edge of a house party Friday like a Victorian ghost child.
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Texas Executes 400th Convict

Last week, the state of Texas executed its 400th prisoner since 1976, when execution was ruled constitutional. What do you think?
  • "I commend Rick Perry for having the courage to protect his constituents. Well done, Governor, and please don't kill me."

    Jane Davidson Secretary
  • "I hope that once the prisoner was brought into the death chamber, the guards surprised him with confetti, balloons, and an oversized syringe."

    Craig Baker Systems Analyst
  • "I'm really conflicted about this. While I'm against the death penalty, I'm a huge sucker for milestones."

    Darren Pertwee Road Resurfacer

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