adBlockCheck

Local

‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.

Nation Not Sure How To Describe Mark

‘You Would Have To Meet Him,’ Millions Say

WASHINGTON—Saying you’d understand what they were talking about the moment you laid eyes on him, the entire nation reported Monday that it was kind of hard to describe Mark and you’d just have to meet him.

Report: Shit, Last Night Was Trash Night

CHELSEA, MA—Stopping in his tracks upon discovering his entire block lined with empty bins, local man Roger Peters reported Thursday that, shit, last night was trash night.
End Of Section
  • More News

Texas Executes 400th Convict

Last week, the state of Texas executed its 400th prisoner since 1976, when execution was ruled constitutional. What do you think?
  • "I commend Rick Perry for having the courage to protect his constituents. Well done, Governor, and please don't kill me."

    Jane Davidson Secretary
  • "I hope that once the prisoner was brought into the death chamber, the guards surprised him with confetti, balloons, and an oversized syringe."

    Craig Baker Systems Analyst
  • "I'm really conflicted about this. While I'm against the death penalty, I'm a huge sucker for milestones."

    Darren Pertwee Road Resurfacer

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close