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Breaking: ACLU Hard As A Fucking Rock Right Now

NEW YORK—In response to President Trump’s declaration that transgendered Americans would no longer be permitted to serve in the military, the ACLU announced Wednesday that it was hard as a fucking rock right now.

Voter Fraud: Myth Vs. Fact

Concerns over fraudulent voting have grown since the 2016 election, with President Trump himself claiming that millions of people voted illegally. The Onion debunks some common myths about voter fraud.

Fermilab Receives Generous Anonymous Particle Donation

BATAVIA, IL—Calling it the most substantial private donation the research facility has received in years, officials at the Fermi National Accelerator Laboratory announced Monday that an anonymous benefactor had given them a generous particle donation.
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Texas Executes 500th Prisoner

Convicted murderer Kimberly McCarthy was put to death by lethal injection last night, marking the 500th execution by the state of Texas since the death penalty was reinstated there in 1982. What do you think?

  • “Now is the time for that executioner to ask for a raise.”

    Gary Archuleta Jockey
  • “If they’re counting pansy-ass lethal injections as executions, that 500 needs an asterisk.”

    R. J. Magruder Gyroscope Repairer
  • “She must have been so honored.”

    Janet Ralston Unemployed

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