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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Texas Penguin Truck Accident

Last week, a truck carrying exotic fish, penguins, and an octopus overturned on a Texas highway, spilling its cargo. What do you think?
  • "My heart goes out to the grieving survivor, who must now march all the way back to Indianapolis to bear sad news and try to console the mother penguin."

    Jerry Archer Carpenter
  • "Man, we were just one nuclear-waste truck shy of a radioactive octopenguin."

    Randall Szlotsky Park Tour Guide
  • "Has anyone optioned it yet? It's the sequel to both Madagascar and Cars in one tragedy."

    Jan Shapiro Studio Executive

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