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Fermilab Receives Generous Anonymous Particle Donation

BATAVIA, IL—Calling it the most substantial private donation the research facility has received in years, officials at the Fermi National Accelerator Laboratory announced Monday that an anonymous benefactor had given them a generous particle donation.

God Excited About First Trip To Japan

THE HEAVENS—After years of talking about visiting the East Asian country, God, Our Lord and Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was excited to finally be taking His first trip to Japan.
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Texas Running Out Of Execution Drug

A spokesman for the Texas Department of Criminal Justice confirmed that the state, which has the nation’s highest rate of executions, is running low on the lethal injection drug pentobarbital and would exhaust its supply in September. What do you think?

  • “Texas needs to take a good, hard look at their restocking procedures.”

    Jonathan Clarkson Dried Beef Packer
  • “They can pass the time by bringing inmates to a series of execution fake-outs.”

    Robin Zola Systems Analyst
  • “Texans are resilient people. I’m sure they’ll find a way.”

    Bradley Henriques Gold Plater

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