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Overeager Simpleton Destroys That Which He Loves Most

WICHITA, KS—Agonizingly unaware of his own strength and the devastation it might inflict on the innocent, overeager simpleton Rob McCormick tore apart a bag of potato chips Thursday, despite the fact that it was reportedly what he loved most in all the world.

Raccoon Family Tired Of Taking Care Of Rabid Father

MONTGOMERY, WV—Acknowledging that he has become a real burden on their foraging and nesting activities, a local raccoon family told reporters Tuesday that they are starting to get tired of taking care of their rabid father.
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Thanksgiving Today

While the rest of the world goes about its business, the United States will celebrate its traditional day of thanks today. What do you think?
  • "Stupid Thanksgiving. I wish I could go to work."

    Jason Woods Locksmith
  • "That reminds me: I have to put my ashtray/gravy boat in the dishwasher."

    Bill Foad Unemployed
  • "Thanksgiving is my least favorite holiday next to National Give Your Mom a Candle Day. Wait, that's not a real holiday? I knew it, Mom!"

    Liz Munro Party Planner

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