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Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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Thanksgiving Weekend Draws Record Number Of Shoppers

With many Black Friday sales beginning earlier this year—including several that started on Thanksgiving night—stores and online retailers together lured a record 247 million shoppers this weekend and took in more than $59 billion. What do you think?

  • “Shame on retailers for allowing us to behave like such animals.”

    Carol Zielinski Systems Analyst
  • “It’s nice to see our nation getting back into excessive consumer debt.”

    Adam Puranaphun Nutritionist
  • “As a budget-minded consumer who enjoys rubbing up against people, it was a great day all around.”

    Tom Yuan Luggage Repairer

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